Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
