I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
