I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
