i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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