Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
