Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
