You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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