Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
