he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
