k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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