mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
wow bdsm is so cute
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