A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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