He passed out mid-signature
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
