Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
