Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize