I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
