smell my finger.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
