I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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