I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
