Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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