we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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