Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
