I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
