I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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