he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
