My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
