im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
