took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
