my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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