I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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