is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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