if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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