When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My pussy is not your playground.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize