Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
