It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
