I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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