pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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