he thought i was a dude.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
