I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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