how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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