my mouth tastes like poor choices
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
