She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
