soooo we both peed the bed last night...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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