it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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