R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
