We are two peas in an std pod
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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