and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
