no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
