he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
