the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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