just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
