I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize