saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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