some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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