i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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