Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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