He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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