Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
