quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
