We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
