Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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