I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
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