I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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