I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
