my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize