I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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