As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
