You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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