I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
